Episode 177: Ask a Coach: “What if Something Is Seriously Wrong with Me?”

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Mimi: Hey, everyone. This is Mimi from Overcome Pornography for Good. And today’s Ask a Coach question is this. “I’ve been working on quitting porn for a long time, but I still keep viewing. So what if there really is something wrong with me?” All right, so if you’ve listened to the podcast you’ve heard Sara say that there’s nothing wrong with you. So that’s what this question is. What if there really is something wrong with me? 

So here’s how I want to answer this question. Okay. So first of all, we want to get clear about what you mean by “wrong.” What does that mean? Really get specific so you know exactly what you’re talking about. That’s the first step, because depending on what your answer is, there may be something that you want to look into, and we don’t want to dismiss that. So get specific with yourself. 

But separate from that, and what I really want to talk about, how I really want to address this question, is that what we see most of the time is that this sentence, “there’s something wrong with me,” is simply a limiting belief. It’s just a sentence in your brain that keeps you stuck and keeps you in that buffering cycle, right? 

And it’s usually combined with other limiting judgmental sentences. Things like, it shouldn’t be taking this long. I should have made more progress by now. This will never get better. Other people can do it, but not me. And you know, again, something must be wrong with me. Right? 

So if those are the sentences that you’re rehearsing in your mind, that you’re believing, how are you going to feel? Well, probably discouraged or hopeless or disempowered, right? And then how are you going to act? Well, you’d probably be judging yourself, beating yourself up, comparing yourself. 

And probably a lot of inaction will be happening, right? You’re probably not processing urges, probably not making decisions ahead of time, probably not making progress, right? So nothing useful comes from this, “what if something is wrong with me?” 

So here’s how I like to respond when I’m coaching somebody and they say, there’s something wrong with me. I like to say, well, what if the only thing “wrong” with you is that you’re a human? And by definition, being a human means that you’re not perfect. So, okay, that can be a useful way to frame this issue when your brain wants to keep offering you that there is something wrong. 

Just be a little playful with it. Just say, yep, there is something wrong, it’s that I’m a human. And it’s okay to be a human, which frankly is a good thing because that’s like your only option right now, right, is to be a human and have that humanness. So let’s just be real about that. 

And then I want to encourage you to do two things, okay? Number one, I want you to use this as an opportunity to look at your expectations of yourself. What are those expectations? Do your expectations help you get the results that you want? Because it’s great to stretch yourself, right? We do want to have expectations of ourself that help us to get better results for ourself. But do your expectations take into account your humanness? Are you expecting yourself to be a superhuman? This matters. 

And then number two, the other thing that I want to encourage you is to view this as if you were a friend. What if you were being more of a friend to yourself? Allowing your humanness is a whole lot easier when you’re being a friend to yourself, okay? 

And for so many people, so many of us, this is the work to focus on. You have a relationship with yourself. And if it’s not a good one, if you’re always talking mean to yourself and beating yourself up and burdened with unrealistic expectations, of course you’re going to want some momentary relief through buffering, right? Of course. 

So notice yourself when you’re asking, but what if something is wrong with me? Get specific with yourself. What does that mean? And then do these things. What are your expectations? How much of a friend are you being to yourself? 

Okay. That’s my answer. So thanks for being here and we will see you next time.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.